Vicious Cycle
by mooeymooey
Summary: Tegan & Sara have connection between them, and they only explore it when one is drunk or high. They're both pretending to not have any feelings beneath the surface, and are lying to each other and to themselves. How long can they both keep it up? QUINCEST
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey guys, okay so a friend of mine, who has chosen to remain anonymous**, **has written a quincest fic, and I'm just here to post it... It might be a one shot, and I might contribute to this fic, but anyways here it is!**

Sara's POV

"Spend all night/losing sleep I'd spend the night..." The last lines of "Living Room" sweep over the venue and rests in the ears of hundreds of screaming fans. It's the last night of the Canadian tour and that means one thing: Celebration!

This excites me for all the wrong reasons. See, for a couple years now there's been this crazy sexual tension between Tegan and I. This tension is released, in sometimes small ways whenever Tegan gets drunk. Tegan gets drunk at least once every few weeks while on tour. Sometimes the acts are small, a lingering glance here, an inappropriate comment there, and sometimes...there's more, a lot more.

--flashback 6 months ago---

"Oh my GOD!!! Tegan!" Sara breathing so heavy her words are barely audible. Tegan thrusting her pelvis into Sara's so hard Sara let's out an "ow" in between "yes..." and "o God oooh!". "You want me to stop?" Tegan says somewhat concerned, but mostly NOT wanting to stop. "No no...don't!" Tegan began grinding into Sara again up against a VIP washroom wall at a club. "Yeah just like that...faster!" Sara demands.... "Like this?" Tegan asks as she thrust quicker and even harder "Yes... yes...just lik- o shit! oh ...ooooh shit" Sara exclaims as she climaxes. Tegan slows down and eventually stops. Still leaning into her sister and breathing heavily. Sara holds Tegan's head into her shoulder, although still up against the washroom wall, possibly the least romantic setting ever, Sara still fears this moment might be too sentimental and quickly pushes Tegan off of her and swiftly gains her footing as Tegan drops her thighs which she's been holding up quite well for the last 15 minutes or so.

"Geez you shit you could at least let me catch my breath, we're pratically the same build, it's like I was holding my own weight up against a wall for like 20 minutes and fucking it!" Tegan protests.

"Wow, I'd love to stay and have this chat with you but I need to go to the hotel and shower. I just had a fully clothed friction fuck with some chick and am feeling rather unfresh...but very satisfied" says Sara as she walks over to Tegan, now rinsing her face with cold water, and places a quick kiss on her cheek and hurries out the door.

--Present Day, Sara's POV---

As soon as the show ends the energy is so high. We're all running on pure adrenaline- which could also be the cause of the situations Tegan and I find ourselves in. I mean it is taboo and frowned upon, it's forbidden so therefore it's a rush.

I say goodbye to the fans. Sometimes I think I should just take the much less taboo route and take my pent up sexual frustration out on a fan. I mean these young girls, barely in their 20s and well, easy. Sometimes I want to a bad role model and let one "slip" pass security and give them the night they'll never forget, the one they never thought they would have-one with me. But no, instead I turn my back on all their willing faces and hope that my sister of all people, will get intoxicated enough to sleep with me.

As we're waving goodbye and about to leave the stage Tegan gives me the most seductive look. It really unsettles me because whenever something happens between us Tegan is drunk so I figure, like most drunk girls, she's just looking to get off. But if she's giving me this look now and something happens later...no, could it be that she sometimes plans these interactions? I can't even let my mind wander in that realm of possibilty.

You wouldn't think it would take 5 people 2 hours to get ready to go somewhere and to agree on a place to go. Well it does. We decide to go to a lesbian bar about an hour from the venue but still along the road we're taking out of here anyway. It's a small town I don't even know the name of but the scene is jumping, the girls are hot and the vibe is right. I love to watch the guys' reactions to normal lesbian activity. They act like it's the most amazing thing, like a dog walking across the street on it's 'hind legs.

Not even 15 minutes after we walk through the back door a girl lost on her way to the bathroom spots us "Oh my GOD!!! NO WAY OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU!!!!" She yells stammering and stuttering and simply goes on her way. I see Tegan get a familiar twitch in her right eye, o no, headache time. She asks the hostess for pain pills and the hostess comes back with purple/blue-ish pills which I notice right away and Tegan doesn't and before I can say anything she shoves the pills into her mouth swallowing them whole and chasing them with a rum-n-coke! "O shit!" I...apparently say aloud, "What?!" Tegan asks, completely clueless. "You fucking just took E!" "What no! O...oh no...yeah...maybe" Tegan says and puts her arms out in front of her as if she's walking a tight rope trying to steady herself. She manages to rise to her feet. She walks over to me pushes me in a corner so dark it seems as though we've disappeared. She leans against the wall and holds me close to her, I'm slightly intoxicated with her scent and the sweet smell of rum-n-coke on her breath. "Mmmm" she moans in my ear "touch me...touch me here" she pleads as she unbuttons her jeans and grabs my hand and slides it inside her panties...ahh here we go...again.


	2. Chapter 2

3 weeks later

--Tegan's POV---

11am. I've officially been lying in my bed staring at the ceiling for an hour. I can't start this day. If I move, so does this day. I haven't seen Sara in about a month. Today she flies in from Montreal to begin rehearsals for the US tour. I've been a wreck! I can't even handle how in love with her I ...think I am. I think she loves me too, but it's hard to tell when the only time she let's me get within 5ft of her is when we're out partying. She's so distant, she doesn't let me kiss her or hold her. She doesn't really show me any affection at all. It's leaving me so empty. She's much kinder to me on a regular day-to-day basis than she is while we're screwing and that's saying A LOT considering she isn't very nice to me.

I know what you're thinking: what reason do I have to believe she has any feelings for me? Well one thing I notice that makes me very hopeful is the fact that she's not sleeping with anyone else. That's right, the irresistible, highly sought after Sara Quin is not sleeping with anyone....well except me that is. And she could have anyone she wanted. I mean not just "anybody", you wouldn't believe the caliber of female after this woman! And yet, she doesn't give them the time of day.

Another reason I'm convinced Sara has feelings for me is the fact that I'm sleeping with her at all. My sister is far from submissive she's not going to just let me do what I want simply because I want to do it. No, there has to be something in it for her, she has to want it as much as I do. My goals on this tour are: to evaluate my feelings for her, figure out how she feels about me, work up the nerve to tell her the results of my evaluation of my feelings for her, and to not fuck up the words to "I Know I Know I Know"...because...seriously, what the fuck is up with me and that song!? I digress.

I'm way inside my head when I hear my phone buzzing against the night stand. "Sara" is the name on the display, my stomach turns...so not ready for her.

"Um...yea-yeah"

"Why are you still in bed?"

"How the hell did you know I was still in bed?!"

"Cause people sound different when they're laying on their stomach, and on top of that your voice is kind of scratchy like you have yet to use it"

"Fucking creeper!"

"I'm creepy cause I pay attention?"

"If this is what you call paying attention, then, yes"

"Fuck you, I'll be there in about an hour I guess, I'm just going to take a cab cause Ted happens to also still be in bed. On the bright side I'm coming off as pretty fucking productive in comparison to the rest of the crew"

"Wow mark the fucking calender then. You're not being productive you're being stubborn. We don't even need a whole week to rehearse! It's fine, I know you just want unnecessary time with me."

"All time with you is necessary"

Before I can process what I'm pretty sure just just turned into a slightly flirty conversation, she hangs up. About 15 minutes later I get a text message: "Oh btw I'm staying with you. Don't fucking b*tch at me, hotel reservations fell through. We're just going to have to fucking deal with it."

I can't believe this! She's staying with me?! I start smiling uncontrollably! My chest is pounding, my palms are sweaty and this rush of excitement is giving me a headache I can't even be mad about.

Less than an hour now. One hour til Sara gets here. Me and Sara, one week, together. If anything of significance was going to happen between us, it was going to happen here and it was going to have to happen soon.

I'm excited and nervous as hell! Not much time to think! I need to clean my apartment...and find some fucking Excedrin!


	3. Chapter 3

---Tegan's POV---

"Ok, I'm ready!" I say to myself as I look into my full length mirror in my bedroom. Sara should be here any minute. I'm ready. I'm not going to waste any time! As soon as she walks through that door I'm going to grab her by the waist and kiss her, long and hard. That's right Tee Tee is going to grow a pair and get this done! _I hope she comes soon I can only keep up this level of confidence for so long._

*knock* *fingernails tapping*

"Shit!...it's her!" No, I am NOT nervous I'm going settle this. She thinks she can use me, and play with my emotions like she as been lately, she's got another thing coming! I walk to the door I've excited myself to the point of another headache. _Goddammit everything gives me a fucking headache! _

I walk to the door, ready to spill word vomit all over her-until I open it. She's standing there in a skin tight button up long sleeve yellow/blue plaid shirt with nothing under it with the top two buttons undone. _Holy...shit_. Her hair looks very different it's short on one side with a side swiped bang on the right. I'm frozen. _She's so fucking hot....has she always been hot!? I mean gorgeous and adorable? Yes, but...smoking hot?!_ I can't even think in complete sentences right now.

"What the fuck?! Would you move...or speak for that matter?!" She demands. _O right shit I'm still standing here!_

"Um... it's...you can..come in?"

"I don't want to you're acting fucking weird"

"Oh, sorry um, just..." _complete a sentence, complete a sentence Tegan! _"Whatever I'm fucking tired! Ok? Give me a break!" Bitchiness is always convincing.

Sara finally walks into the apartment that I cleaned to even an OCD neat freak like her's satisfaction.

"Well fucking get over it Tegan really. I just got here you can't be all tired and shit already."

"Yeah it's fine, in fact, why don't you just set up your things and we'll go down to Starbucks."

"Mmm, now you're talking" She says and then licks her lips. _Jesus those lips...mmm- uh oh I'm spacing out again._ "Tegan!" Sara yells right into my face "Are you in there-yes! Let's get you some caffeine STAT!" She drops all her luggage right on the floor and grabs my hand and rushes me straight out the door, which I barely have time to lock. The Starbucks is a mere half block from my building and I use her acceptance of my zombie-like state to my advantage and stare for longer periods of time than usual at her lips, breasts, hair, thighs, and ass. _Hey, I'm never going to get another chance to get away with this behavior! I'm milking it for all it's worth. _

----Sara's POV---

_I know Tegan loves me. She really doesn't try very hard to hide it. Well maybe she does but I know her too well to buy it. I know she loves me and I've dealt with it. My sister is in love with me. I feel it when she looks at me, or rather into me. I can tell by the way she touches me at times. And she only has the confidence to do something about it when she's wasted or in any state in which she feels she won't be held accountable for her actions. I love her too. But I'm not willing to take this thing of ours anywhere. I'm in love with Tegan and she's in love with me- tough break. We're sisters. There's nowhere we can go from here. I'm an expert at repression. I can hold this inside for as long as I need to....I hope._

"How can you drink that hot ass coffee that fast!?" Tegan asked with a look of amazement on her face.

"I don't know. Ok it's like it burns my tongue when I first start drinking it but I keep going anyway and eventually it just goes numb"

"Psychotic"

"Maybe, but I never have to reheat my coffee"

"Ok, so what do you want to do today? We have the whole day right?"

"Yeah I guess so unless...I mean you can do your own thing you don't really need to babysit me Tegan"

"Not at all, I haven't seen you in a month I want to spend the day together. O hey Sara, why didn't you just call Kim?"

"What?" _O shit, busted_

"When there was an issue at the hotel? Kim could've fixed that" Ok, so here's the thing: there really was an issue with my hotel reservations. But here's the other thing: I could've just had Kim make other arrangements. Like I said, I'm in love with Tegan. I'm not going to try too hard to get out of spending time with her. In fact I was hoping the hotel thing didn't work out.

"Cause I just get tired of that sh*t. I feel like management treats me like a fucking child sometimes. It's not a big deal I just figured I'd stay with you..but if you don't want me to-"

"What! Calm down I do! I mean...whatever it's fine, I was just curious" She says, trying to hide her excitement. _Ahh Tegan...and her new tattoo?! what the-_

"You have a new tattoo?! What the hell?" We made an agreement a long time ago that we would never ask the other what the meaning behind our tattoos were. So I didn't ask anything else. It's a heart-shaped Gemini sign of some sort on the inside of her right wrist_...shit_.

"Yes! And you can't say sh*t about it. A deal's a deal"

"Yeah, I know. It's cool, I like it"

"So what do you want to do tonight?" Tegan asks, I'm so anti-social that I actually cringe at this question.

"I don't really want to do anything. I was in the middle of catching up on Dexter. So...you think we could maybe rent season 2 so I can watch while I'm in town?"

"Sure! I love that show. Well, let's hurry, by my watch you have about 4 good hours left in you before you clock out"

I laugh, "Yeah, I'd say you're about right"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Two episodes into Dexter and I'm lost. I'm pretty sure I started from the episode I left off on. Doesn't matter. All I can think about right now is where I'm going to sleep tonight. If I sleep in Tegan's bed I know something will happen. I'm really trying to do the right thing here.

"I'm going to take a shower, I should be done by time this episode is over and then you can do whatever you need to do" Tegan tells me. _Great, and I was just about to ask her what the hell is going on on this show right now._

About a half hour later, and about 5 minutes after Dexter went off I hear Tegan turn off the water in the shower. About 10 minutes after that I hear her soft footsteps near my position on the floor in front the flat screen.

"So, what do you think so far of Season 2?" Tegan inquired. "Honestly I don't know. I haven't the slightest fucking clue as to what's going on!"

"Aww well it's been forever since I've watched it so I can't help you, but hey, you have time to think about that later, get ready for bed"

I stand to my feet. Up to this point I had been lying on my back staring at the ceiling. As soon as I rise to my feet I'm shocked to find myself less than a foot from Tegan. She's still pretty damp, and her thin white wife beater is sticking to her skin. She's not wearing a bra- _dear God, this is going to be a long night._ I also realize that I hadn't seen her hair this entire time. It had been up in a beanie. But it was at a length I hadn't seen it at since I think...'02. It was just pass her shoulder. _Beautiful!_ She walks away from where I'm standing towards the kitchen I step forward quietly to catch a glimpse of her in much better lighting. I can clearly see her burgundy/black plaid paints hanging just below her waist, they're much too big and she has the strings pulled tight just above her groin. Water from her damp hair is slowly running down her back and making her beater stick to her even more now. _Cold shower for one, please?_

After my shower I'm feeling refreshed and definitely ready for bed. I step into the bedroom-_ and hello saved by the couch! _Yes, couch right on the far side of the room. Honestly, this is a bittersweet discovery. The sight on the couch is much more appealing: Tegan sitting on it reading a book with her hair now in a loose ponytail, wearing black rimmed reading glasses. _Dear God, why did you give me such a hot sister!? I didn't ask for this, it's not my fault. How could anyone NOT want that?! _

She hears me approaching the couch and closes her book. She stands up and is close enough to me for me to hear her breathing. I let out an unexpected yawn. "O Sara! Pathetic, it's only 10:30!"

"Shut up, jet lag ok? Not my fault"

"Yeah I know, I'm just fucking with you. Well let's go to bed then." She walks over to the bed and pulls back the heavy comforter.

"Um...you know what, I'm going to sleep on the couch" I barely force the words out. I just want to lay with her. Have her hold me close with her arms wrapped around me. But I can't let that happen. I can't let anything happen...ever again.

"But....why?!, I just... I mean it's lumpy and uncomfortable, you don't have to do that" Even in the near darkness I can see the light in her eyes dim. What am I doing? I'm hurting both of us. I hate this. All of it.

"No, I know, it's cool I-"

"What are you afraid of?" She asks. The question pierced into my chest like a dagger. I can tell by the tone she meant for it to be as loaded as it felt. _Why am I afraid of what we could have? Why am I worried about what other people would think? Why am I scared to love her? Why am I afraid of sharing a bed with her? Why won't I make love to her in the right way, under the right circumstances...like right now? What am I afraid of becoming of our lives if we both just said "fuck it" and did what we wanted to do- and be together? _Until I can answer these questions I'd rather not talk about them with her. Surely that's a conversation that would just confuse me more.

"Nothing! You know me, I like my space. That's it." I grab the pillow from the spot on the bed intentionally left for my head and the sheet that was supposed to be shared and take them to the couch. I lie down suddenly feeling a rush of sadness. _And also some back pain. Fuck me, she wasn't lying about this couch! It's very lumpy._

"Goodnight Tee Tee"

"Goodnight Sara" ouch! Just "Sara"? Boy, I really fucked up tonight. But...I'm just doing what I think is best.

She turns the light on the nightstand off. And suddenly the light from the kitchen is beaming like a spotlight which slowly fades close to the bed, creating an outline of Tegan where the dark and the light meet.

I see her lying there. Awake. She's too upset to sleep. As am I. I know I belong on that bed, in her arms. I wish I could get over all this bullshit and take my place in her bed, in her heart. Just as I was really starting to mentally beat myself up I notice her sliding off her pants and slide under the comforter. She doesn't usually even sleep in clothes, this much I knew. I was hoping she showed some mercy on me and wore pjs. I guess that courtesy isn't necessary now since she clearly thinks I'm over here sleeping.

I eventually doze off for what couldn't have been more than 15 minutes when I'm awaken by a soft moan...and then...soft speaking "oh yeah...right there. Fuck! Sara yes...keep going...oh my god yes" I look over at Tegan, her eyes are closed and she's very much asleep. Her left hand is under her beater on her right breast and...you can probably guess where her right hand is. I want to leave the room cause I'm afraid of what I might see. It's hard enough to stay over here away from her. If this continues- "mmm more, more fingers" I hear her whisper before I can complete my thought. And at the sound of that I feel myself getting wet, _oh no_. _This cannot be happening._ I want to leave but if I wake her she'll be mortified. "mmm oh...uh mmm" more moaning and her breathing is getting heavier. I suddenly start getting flashbacks of moments when I was actually touching her. I reach down below the waistband of my boy shorts...feeling what she was feeling. Wishing I was touching what she was touching. Feeling every stroke of the hips I once stroked. Every pinch and nibble of my breasts she had given at some point. I watch her arm start to move more rapidly and listened as her breathing got heavier. I move my hand faster in my shorts. I know she's coming. I'm coming. And we come together. Perfectly in sync with one another. Always. Even when the other is unconscious.

Without much processing I fall asleep thinking about the intense moment I just shared with my sister, completely unbeknownst to her.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hey guys, my friend, the author of this fic, would like to apologize for the short chapters, but hopefully two chapters makes up for length!**

---Sara's POV--

_"See Mom you just don't understand! I love her! I'm in love with her! How can love ever be wrong?!" I plead with my mother._

_"Honey, yes love is right! But....not all kinds of love, not this kind! This is ...it's sick. Baby, I love you but this is literally sick! I think you may just be having a tough time since Casey and you're emotionally attaching to your sister and maybe it's overwhelming and confusing you." My mother argued. _

_"You sick fuck you get your shit and you get the hell out of my house!" My step-dad demanded. This was easily 10 times worse than coming out as gay. I felt a knot in my chest. The biggest cry I could cry decided to stop right in my chest, it too afraid to come out and face this world as it was in this moment._

_"Honey, don't yell at her, she needs help not aggression right now!" _

_"I don't give a shit what she needs, 'ain't no girl supposed to be doing what she was doing to her sister! It's not right! She's gay that ain't bad enough she gotta be sick in the head too!" Bruce carried on, further making is point and drawing out the cry that refused to hide any longer. I start to sob uncontrollably. Out the corner of my eye I can see Tegan making her way towards the door, bags in hand and she's reaching for the door and everything is in slow motion. I try to run after her but my feet are stuck to the ground. The whole room starts to spiral up and ----_

I gasp as I wake up, drenched in a cold sweat. _I officially need a shower in the worst way_. I quietly get up from the couch, being sure not to wake Tegan. _O shit_. I think to myself as I recall the incident from last night.

As the warm water washes over me I try to process my dream. _What was that about? Up to this point I've mostly feared what would happen to my career or what my friends would think about me if I pursued something with Tegan. I thought about the media, and the fans. I had never even considered my own fucking mother. _After about 25 minutes of deep thought I think my skin has taken just about all the moisture it can handle and I step out of the shower.

I see Tegan's favorite button-up hanging in the closet, I throw it on; just to smell her, to feel close to her. She's 3 feet away in the bed, and yet, this is what I do to feel close to her when all it takes is about 5 steps to be close to her. Everyday I hold back from her I break my own heart and everyday I pretend to not love her I break hers. I've never wanted something so badly that I was intentionally keeping myself from having.

I grab Tegan's keys and head out the door, I need to really be alone with these thoughts.

On the way back from Starbucks I get approached by 3 young girls. I immediately notice the youngest one's 'Tegan & Sara' shirt as they come closer._ Okay Sara, time to get over your shit for 10 minutes and be a normal human being...or at least whatever these girls are imagining you to be. _

"Oh my God! You're Sara! Sara! It is you!" The oldest girl screeched at a record decimal.

"Yes, I'm...me. I'm just me, it's okay. How are you guys?" To this all three girls shout incoherent answers, not sure any of the answers were a state of being and therefore the appropriate response to "How are you guys?" but I took them all to mean that they were very happy. I never know how to be in situations like this. Meeting fans outside of shows, I can deal with. But when they randomly recognize me on the street and go crazy, it makes me so uncomfortable. It's nothing against them I'll just never get comfortable with being so important to people I don't know.

After signing random objects for the girls. I continue back to Tegan's. All the thoughts that drove me out of the apartment in the first place returned. When I get in the hallway leading to Tegan's door, my nostrils are overwhelmed with the pleasant smells of breakfast. I'm pretty excited. One grande cup of coffee from Starbucks; not as filling as you would hope. As soon as I walk through the door my instinct tells me to find her in the kitchen, grab her by the waist and give her a short sweet kiss on the lips as a greeting. Instead what I do is go sit in the living room and wait for her to come to me.

"I made breakfast! I really hope you weren't out eating or else....well I'd feel really dumb right now" she laughs nervously.

"Oh no I just went to Starbucks. Had a rough night that led to a rough morning. Anyway what's for breakfast?"

"A rough night? Yeah I had an....interesting one myself. Uh, right breakfast. I made French toast, turkey sausage patties, hash browns and sticky buns"

"Damn!" I say as I look at my watch, I hadn't realized how long I was gone, giving her all this time to cook this meal. "I was really gone 2 hours?!"

"Yes" Tegan said laughing. "I guess you were, but I just got up about an hour ago, in fact, I need to go shower but...help yourself" She turns away awkwardly. I'm actually relieved that we won't be sitting at a table eating together. If we were neither of us would talk and the room would be filled all these things we want to say, need to say-but can't.

I gobbled my food down faster than any human ever should. I turn on the tv to find nothing on so I pop in another Dexter DVD and lay on the couch. As I was just starting to doze off I get a text from Ted: _"Welcome back buddy, not sure if I can make it to rehearsal, having car trouble, but Tegan has it set up for 4"_. Sweet that means I have two and a half hours to nap.

---Tegan's POV--

"Why do we have to rehearse the old shit, I mean stuff we play at every show?! I don't think even you can screw up 'Living Room' Tegan!" Sara argues. Every time she says things like this lately it kind of makes my heart flutter in a really cheesy way because I really think she's just going out of her way to not be affectionate towards me by being overly bitchy. Perhaps it's wishful thinking. Either way, I won't let her get away with it.

"Fuck you, you don't fuck up a lot but when you do it's always the old material and you know it. We only need to go over a few of those. Jesus, just do it!" We go over "Living Room", "So Jealous" and "City Girl" a couple times. After about an hour we move on to newer material. And about 2 hours after that I can't take any more and my fingers are killing me.

"So Sara, ready for an official welcome back celebration?!" Shaun asked in an unusually excited manner that makes everyone laugh.

"Well Shaun geez are you asking me on a date, you just seem extra excited, is it really all about me?" Sara says in a flirty tone, mocking him and even throwing him a flirty look and a shy, crooked smile, one so sexy it sent a chill up my spine. And suddenly I'm confronted with the problem at hand: While we're discussing band business or playing she's just Sara. As she has always been. But when the music stops it's back to reality and she's my sister who I love more than people would say I should, more than I love myself. I'm confronted with the possibility that I'm going to live the rest of my life with a hollow heart she refuses to fill. I'm forced to face her slightly distorted mirror image of my face and constantly be reminded that she's my sister. _I hate her face. I hate it. I mean it's fucking beautiful. But I hate what it represents: blood relation, sisterhood. I can't run from that. _

"Well are you guys gonna seal this with a kiss or-"

"Why? Would you be jealous?" Sara cuts me off, still smiling. My 'dear in headlights' expression must be a little telling cause she gives me a look that says: _geez chill out, you're going to blow it_

"Of course, everyone knows why Shaun's on Tegan's side of the stage!" Ted says, rescuing me in a way he will never know. So glad he could make it.

"Yeah! I mean Shaun's the total package...if only he didn't have a package" I say drawing a long bout of laughter from everyone "Hey, a girl can dream right?" I say and wink at Shaun.

About 15 minutes later we decide to all just go back to my place and take it from there. All this business with Sara really leaves me craving an escape, if only for a night. Ted's friend owns a bar in downtown Vancouver and apparently that's where we're going I have to admit to being too deep in thought to hear any of this. About 10 minutes before we're set to leave, in what at least _seems _like a last minute decision, Sara decides to stay behind. Well, if I did truly want to escape I suppose this worked out for the better.

As soon as we walk through the door I see Jade, a club promoter I used to date, behind the bar and that means not only will I get free drinks, but I might even get laid, and _not _by my sister! _See Tegan, you just needed a little distraction_. A few minutes later she makes her way over to me with a rum-n-coke in her hand and I immediately get the feeling this is going to be a good night.


	5. Chapter 5

---Tegan's POV--

So here I am all alone in the manager's suite above the club with Jade. I had forgotten how hot Jade is. She's a couple of inches taller than me, _honestly who isn't_. She's got a gorgeous caramel complexion with shoulder length hair. She's the only black woman I've ever dated. Which isn't important it's just funny that in spite of how much I used to get around I'm almost 30 and have only dated one black woman. Jade is a good person. But the only thing we had in common seemed to be partying and self-destruction. I met Jade down in LA shortly after my break up with Jen. I was spiraling out of control. Jade became my partner in crime. We partied in Los Angeles, New York and Texas when I was in the states and when I got bored at home here in Vancouver I would fly her up here for the weekend just to party with me. Sara hates Jade for enabling me the way she did. Sara didn't understand that I was doing the same for Jade. We were each other's world for about 4 months before everyone in my life somehow banded together to rip me out of the situation against my will. I can't share much else cause I don't even remember. But I kept in touch with Jade for a while after my family took me away. I lived with my mom for 3 months and sobered up and tried to heal emotionally. During those 3 months Sara stopped by occasionally, but only for short periods of time. I couldn't stand the look of disappointment in her eyes when she came to visit. After a while I asked her to stop coming around until I was ready to see her, until I was ready to be seen.

So now here I am about 2 years later looking at this wild, attractive, interesting woman...and all I can think about is my sister. _Jesus, will nothing stop this!?_

"...and so of course we didn't pay the band after they did that...Tegan?" Jade says regaining my attention.

"Huh?! O shit Jade, I'm so sorry I have a lot on my mind, what were you saying?" I ask as I put my right index finger and thumb on the bridge of my nose and try to shake Sara from my mind long enough to listen to Jade.

"I can tell you're not here. You're on your third round and you don't even seem to have the slightest buzz. Baby, you just need to relax. If I recall correctly I was pretty good at getting you to do that" Jade says with a playful tone. She gets up out of her chair and grabs my arm and leads me over to the office chair behind the desk. She gestures for me to sit down. I obey. She leans over me and I smell the sweet scent of pomegranate on her neck. She pushes a button on each arm rest on the chair and as if by magic, in 3 quick movements they fold themselves inward. She straddles me tight. I can feel the blood rushing to my checks and to a place much lower. She leans in and kisses me deeply. I let out a moan as she puts her hand on the back of my head and and pulls my hair gently. She unbuttons the top three buttons on my button-up quickly and reaches in my bra and grabs my left breast and squeezes it, I let out a gasp and slide my hands up the back of her shirt and grab her waist and pull her in closer to me. As she nibbles on my ear lobe I grab at her back harder, digging my nails in.

"You wish I was Sara"

"What?!" I exclaim in complete shock

"I said, 'you like it there huh?', what did you think I said?" Jade asked, puzzled. _What am I doing? I'm just wasting both of our time pretending I have any intentions of taking this anywhere, and pretending I don't know where I want to be right now and who I want to be with._

"Nothing I just....I really have somewhere should be"

"_Somewhere_? Mhmm. What's her name?"

"I can't tell you, I can't tell anyone"

"Well you should talk to someone, you got it bad baby girl" I look around and let out a small giggle as I realize that Jade is still sitting on my lap as we're suddenly engaging in a casual conversation.

"I know, I think I might actually try talking to _her _pretty soon."

After a shockingly revealing, deep conversation with Jade I head off to find the guys. I see Ted stumbling out of the men's room

"O hey you saw I meant to say Jade is here she bought my friend's club I didn't know I'm so sorry I told Sara cause Jade is here" I somehow understand what Ted is _trying _to say enough to get panicked

"Why did you tell Sara!? What the hell Ted!? What did you say to her?"

"She called and she was all worry wart I'm like Sara chill out cause Tegan's with Jade" This night just took a bad turn. I grab Ted's car keys out of his pocket.

"Thanks a lot Ted, really. Call a cab, your piece of shit car can't handle any more tonight anyway"

I rush out the door not sure of what I'm going to do when I see Sara or what I'm going to say. _What is she going to say? Will she hate me? Will she think I slept with Jade? Will she be mad? Will she be jealous?_

---Sara's POV--

"Jade!?" I scream into the receiver of my phone and immediately throw it at the nearest wall. _I can't believe this! I cannot fucking believe this. Really?! After all this time!? I can't understand what she could possibly see in that good for nothing party girl! She's way hotter than me and well most people but still can't Tegan see pass that? She doesn't love Tegan and I have no proof but I'm pretty sure she's a whore. Breathe Sara, just breathe. There's no reason to assume they slept together. There's not a lot of reasons to not assume it either though. I'm going crazy._

I grab a beer out of the fridge and a book off the nightstand. Seeing as how my blackberry is now in tiny pieces there's nothing I can do to find out where Tegan is right now. I try to settle into the book. I don't get further than about 5 pages in before so many thoughts of Tegan that I've ignored for the pass hour I've been trying to read attack me all at once. I realize that since this thing between Tegan and I started I've never faced the possibility of losing her to another person. _Not that I have her_. I'm so selfish I don't want her cause I don't want to face the consequences of having her but my heart plummets at the thought of someone else having her. I have to come to some sort of conclusion soon. I can't keep avoiding all this. Tonight I don't go out and tonight I don't sleep in her bed. What about tomorrow and the next day. I know if I don't give her anything to go on while I'm here this week she will take it as a sign to move on. This was my goal coming here. But now faced with losing her...I'm not so sure that's what I want. I can't lose her. Especially not to Jade of all people. Suddenly I'm filled with rage at the thought of Tegan's hands on her, her mouth, her body. And not even a full minute later I hear keys in the door. Tegan steps in and before she even gets both feet in the door I lose my fucking mind.

"Jade?! Really?! Did you fuck her?! I swear to God Tegan don't lie to me! Did you fuck her!?"

"No! I didn't I just-"

"Do you love me? Or am I just a glorified, much revisited drunken fuck to you? huh? Is that it? Here have my beer! Is this what you need for an honest moment with me!?" I scream at her and I feel my eyes get heavy with tears. She follows me into the kitchen .Tegan grabs the bottle and throws it at the wall, shattering it.

"Hey! Don't fuck with me right now! I know you know I love you! But at least I have the courage not to go out of my way to hide it from you! Maybe if you stopped putting up so many walls you would realize the biggest problem with us, is you!"

"No Tegan it's not me! It's us! The problem with us _is _us! We're sisters. If you can't do the smart thing and end all this I will, well I've been trying to"

"Why?!" She asks, the expression on her face now pensive. I'm not sure what's going to happen next. I feel like she might break at any moment. "Tell me you love me" She demands after at least 10 seconds of silence, stepping closer.

"No" I say firmly, _I can't do this, she's not going to make me do this. _

"Tell me you love me Sara" She moves in closer as I'm forced right into the corner of the kitchen counter.

"Tegan...please don't do this" I plead

"Do what? This?" She places a soft kiss on my forehead awakening every bone and muscle in my body and making me blush uncontrollably.

"Yes. That, we can't....look we just can't Tegan!"

"Can't do what? This?" She says as she lifts me up onto the counter and kisses me on the lips for the first time ever. And I can't hold back any longer. I grab her from the back of her head and kiss her passionately pushing my tongue deep into her mouth and she let's out a moan.

"Tell me you love me" She demands again, slightly breathless.

"No" I say again refusing to give in. She grows angry at my protest and reaches for my jeans. She roughly unbuttons and unzips them practically forcing me off the counter as she slides them from under me. She starts moving her hips into mine, gently.

"I need to hear it"

"Never" I say at this point half enjoying what's become a little game. At the same time being completely serious about not admitting this to her. She starts grinding into me harder "oh my god" I let out completely to the point of full arousal. I unbutton her jacket and rip open her button-up violently sending some buttons flying through the air.

"Tell me-"

"Shut up!" I say between kisses thinking it's my turn to make some demands. She pulls her hips off of me and slides in her right hand. "Oh Tegan! Oh my god!"

"Yeah, you like that?"

"Yes! ooo oh fuck!"

"Do you love me?" She manages to ask through heavy breathing. _Fuck, she's persistent. _I know I can't say "no" all I can do is get her to stop asking. So I urgently slide off my underwear, Tegan eagerly pulls them down off of my legs. I grab the top of her head and push it down...all the way down. She starts working without hesitation, like she's been waiting for it. _God, I know I have_.

After about fifteen minutes I can't hold on to the moment any longer and I climax as I finally proclaim "I love you!". Tegan stands up and we just stare at each other, tears running down both of our faces. Tegan wraps her arms around my waist and holds me. We've reached the one place I've been terrified of going this whole time: the point of no return.


	6. AUTHORS NOTE PLEASE READ

**A/N: Hey guys, sorry for the authors note.**

**I just want to get across, that I'm not the author of Vicious Cycle, and that my friend is the author, I'm just posting it for my friend, who wants to remain anonymous. And I'm sorry that I'm not replying to reviews, I just don't think it's right for me to reply to the reviews since the fic isn't exactly mine. **

**Then again, sorry for the authors note guys!  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N : **Hey guys, the author of this fic has decided that this chapter will be the last one, and has left a message for you guys: "I'm sorry if the story feels short but i don't want to drag it out, it feels over. I want people to understand the meaning of it, the moral of the story which is the last paragraph, adding on to that would just ruin the whole thing lol." She'd also like to thank you guys for reading, and to pass it on.

--Sara's POV---

As soon as I had gotten comfortable with the warm quiet home I made for my head in Tegan's shoulders she took her arms from around my waist and stepped back. _Oh no! Where is she going? I bet she's freaked out. Please don't leave me._ She grabs my clothes off the floor and carries them into the living room and sits them on the couch. She slowly walked back over to me not bothering to fix her clothes that I'm sure I've ruined anyway.

"T...Tegan, what... I don't know what's next. I love you yes, but what do we do now?" I ask somehow stopping myself from rambling. I've never been this emotional in my life. Every time my eyes meet hers I feel a tear fall. I try to fix myself up somehow, not easy to do while sitting on a kitchen counter with no clothing below the waist and a thin slightly over-sized button up hanging off your shoulders. As soon as I move my hand up to fix my hair I feel Tegan's hand on mine. She moves my hand down and looks deep into my eyes and fixes my hair, gently placing the lock from my face to behind my ear.

"Now..." I immediately sit straight up, realizing just how long I've been waiting for her to speak, to say something, anything. "Now, we go to bed" She steps back again and reaches out for my hand. I grab hers and hold on tight. I'm uncomfortable with my newly intensified fear of being apart from her. In this moment specifically I feel like I need to be touching her at all times. She leads me to the bedroom, more specifically, to the bed. She lets go of my hand and pleads "Don't leave me alone tonight"

"Never again" I say and pull her face to mine, and look into her eyes, glowing in the darkness. I pull her into a deep kiss, she lets out a moan and instantly I'm aroused again. I'm finally going to able to make love with her the way I've always wanted to, the thought alone was enough to make me come in the past. So I closed my eyes for a few seconds and held her and tried to calm myself down. Then I slowly took off her jacket and ripped button-up. She was now naked and standing in front of me, her nipples were hard and my plans to do this slowly were completely forgotten as I grabbed her by the waist and started to kiss her passionately and deeply and sucking on her tongue. She let out a loud moan and took my shirt off, the only article of clothing I had left on at this point, and threw it across the room. I pushed her down on the bed into a sitting position and climbed on top of her, straddling her tight. Her skin was burning into mine and I felt drops of sweat trickle down her back when I grabbed at her waist. I sat on her lap kissing her and teasing her with my tongue and suddenly she took her right arm and brought it to me and slipped two fingers inside me "O mmm..." I moaned as I started moving up and down into them. So much pleasure I could barely stand it, I let a tear roll down my face. "Am I hurting you?" she asked concerned "You couldn't" I said as I started to move faster, too fast, I didn't want the moment to be over quite yet. _No, I'm not going to waste this night_. So I got up and gestured for her to move back onto the bed and lie down and she does quickly. I got on top of her, straddling her once again. I kissed her on the lips softly. I kissed her on her neck and bit down on her collar bone to this she let out a gasp in shock and then a moan. I moved up and started nibbling on her earlobe as I used my elbows to balance myself I parted her legs to make room for both of mine in the middle. I moved back to her lips and kissed her passionately as i gently moved my hips into hers. She let out another gasp and moved her hands down to my lower back and pulled me into her hard and let out a loud moan. We fell into a rhythm with our hips moving them against each other with perfect timing. I break the bond between our hips and move my body lower. I kiss her breasts and nibble on each nipple softly eliciting lots of soft moans and light "ohs" from Tegan. I move lower kissing her tight stomach and circling her navel with my tongue, attempting to tease her yet I'm the one who can't wait any longer. I finally go right to the spot. I start licking at a speed not too fast but not too slow, turning our previous rhythm into a solo.

I'm pleased at the very approving noises coming from Tegan's mouth, but I want more. So I slide two fingers in _fuck, she's so tight_ I think to myself as I slide one back out "No no no, it's okay, it's okay" she says and lifts her head up looking down at me. I can sense the disappointment in her voice. Well what she wants, she gets. I slide the other finger back in "Oh! Sara mmm yes! Just like that! Oh my god" Tegan whispers loudly and breathlessly as her head collapses back onto the bed. She raises her knees to an arch and with her right hand pulls my head into her hard and with her left massages her own breasts. I feel her tightening around my fingers. I think I may explode. _No not yet Sara! Come on, focus...damn she's so tight, no focus...not yet._ I move my tongue and my fingers faster and I hear her breathing begin to quicken and I know she's coming. I quickly decide I want to be looking at her when she reaches her moment so I replace my tongue with my fingers and move up and kiss her. I deepen the kiss and massage her clit hard and fast. In three swift motions she grabs the back of my head with her left hand, my lower back with her right and pulls me into her hard "I'm gonna come...oh....o baby...oh god!" She exclaims and all the control I had managed was completely lost _oh no_ "oh shit....oh....ooo no!" I say obviously very disappointed at my inability to control my orgasm however feeling very satisfied.

"Oh, baby wow I kind of wanted to-"

"Yeah... I'm so pathetic" I say and roll off her body and look away, I'm just embarrassed now.

"After what I just experienced you are far from pathetic! You're amazing Sara, and I just wanted to return the favor" She assures me, then lets out an unexpected yawn. "Oh my god, sorry"

"Well looks like you may have had enough anyway" I say with a smile. _God, I'm so happy_. _That's a random thought, but I am_.

"Yeah, like I said, you were amazing" She turns around to face the wall and grabs my arm and wraps it across her stomach. I feel myself getting sleepy. My mind wonders to thoughts of what will happen next. I can't come up with any ideas right now. I bury my face in between Tegan's shoulder blades and hold her tight. I realize in this moment that she's worth fighting for. And all along that was really the question. _Our career, our family, our friends, our fans-basically our entire world could fall apart in an instant but am I willing to risk everything for her? Am I willing to defend our love? Yes, til the day I die._


	8. EPILOGUE

**A/N: **Hey guys, this is the very last chapter of Vicious Cycle, but I think the author really deserves some reviews, so please, if you can take your time and review, it would be great. But anyways, enjoy the epilogue!

Epilogue

--Tegan's POV---

"...call break it off, call break my own heart..."

_I struggle through the last lines of "Call It Off". This song always tears me in two, always, in spite of playing it at every show for 3 years! Also Sara's voice in the background is damn distracting. She's so damn distracting. She's beautiful. The kind of beauty that everyone stares at even if they're not necessarily attracted to her, they're just captivated. I'm cute. I'm "the cute twin". Sara's "the pretty one". Even when she was a butchy kid, she never quite pulled the look off, not with that delicate face and those undeniable cheek bones. _

_And every day I have to pretend to not see any of this. I have to pretend to be blind to my sister's beauty. When she's singing and putting her all into a song and her face tightens as she forces the emotion out like a big cry over the guitar-it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. But I pretend not to care. When she stands on her toes on high notes just to give herself that extra boost well that's the most adorable thing I've ever seen, again, I pretend not to care or even notice. When she's telling a story and gets completely lost and lets out a nervous laugh my heart almost explodes cause it's too cute to handle._

After I wrap up "Call It Off" we wave goodbye to the fans. Sara immediately runs over to Emy who is waiting side stage. They share a pretty long hug and I have to act like I'm not bothered by it. I follow them towards the dressing room and along the way I'm stopped by Lindsey who grabs my hand and kisses me on the cheek. Oh Lindsey. She's an amazing girl. I know Sara and I are lucky to have such great people by our side but us not being together just doesn't feel right.

After we enter the dressing room and clear the rest of the band and the crew out we all sit down and chat for about 30 minutes. Sara and I both know we need to wrap things up soon since we have to be back on the bus in a little less than an hour.

"So, tonight was great!" Emy says smiling brightly

"Thanks Emy" I say rather dry cause I know she's being sarcastic seeing as how she's been to way too many shows to still enjoy them.

"Yeah I love you guys and all but if you're done with me and my girlfriend now I'd like to take her home" Lindsey says firmly. I can't control myself and I burst into laughter

"Please do, I need some alone time with my baby too" I say and wink at Sara. Just then Emy grabs Lindsey by the waist and pulls her towards the door.

"It's been a pleasure" she says.

"Yeah thank you so much for doing this guys. I know it sucks to have to pretend things are...well pretty much the complete opposite of the way they are, we really appreciate it" Sara reassures

"Hey what are ex-wives, ex-girlfriends and friends for?" Lindsey says playfully and with that they're out the door.

I follow them close and lock the door. As soon as I turn around Sara comes up behind me and pushes me against the door.

"Do you know how hard it is for me to keep my hands off of you?"

"Can't be any harder than it is for me to keep mine off you" I say and pull her close to me. She presses her hips into mine and begins to kiss my neck, gently then harder. Our breathing picks up and our hands actually clash on the way to unbutton the other's jeans. We start kissing deeply as we slide our hands into each other's underwear and massage each other roughly. I feel as though I may fall down from the weakness in my knees. I take my hand out of Sara's pants and lead her onto the couch where we lie down and resume our previous actions. Our nipples have now hardened through our shirts and bras and I can feel hers against mine. I slide my hand down lower and massage her clit with my thumb and slip two fingers inside of her. In her excitement she rubs my clit harder and faster. As soon as I feel her clench around my fingers I push into her hand one last time causing me to come on her hand.

We lie silent for about 5 minutes and try to catch our breath. I almost start to drift off right on top of her when I hear knocking on the door.

"Guys what the hell bus call was 10 minutes ago....GUYS?!" Ted's voice booms penetrating the barrier between him and us.

"Ohh I don't wanna go!" I whine playfully

"You have to, cause I have to, and I'm definitely not going without you" Sara says and kisses me on the forehead.

"Ok, time to pretend"

"Yeah well one day we'll figure all this out. Until then, it's no one's business who we're with anyway right?"

"You're absolutely right! Well Sara ready to be my sister for another 3 months?" I say with a laugh and give her a gentle nudge on the shoulder.

"And your girlfriend on the low...kind of an exciting situation we've gotten ourselves into I think"

She gives me one last tender, forbidden kiss on the lips and heads out the door.

_How did I live my whole life without knowing her this way. Without being with her in this way. I'm the luckiest woman in the world. I have had the love of my life in my life my entire life. People can say what they will-cause they will anyhow, but I'm never letting her go._


End file.
